I'M ENGAGED!!!!

God is so good. Last night after Bible study, I was just settling in to grade papers when Ji asked me if I could drive her to the psychology building to pick up her computer. She told me that she had left her car at school and taken the bus home. So I agree to take her and we drove to the building. I stopped in front of the door and waited for her to get out. Then she asked if I could drive to the next door. So I drove to the next door, and she asked me to pull over on the street. So I did, all the while, wishing she would hurry and get her computer. She then was looking for her keys in her purse. She couldn't find them, pulled this book out of her purse and asked me to hold it. It was a fairy tale book (which actually isn't weird because Ji reads these for fun). She keeps looking for the keys and then wonders if they are in the book. I think this is crazy, she looks in the book, and pulls out what I think is a bookmark. She asks what this is, and then says she thinks its for me. The envelope is pink with girly font and addressed to a princess. I open it and read about all the times that Topher and I have spent together and concluded with the direction to begin my journey to the psychology building.

So Ji, my Jiminy Cricket, and I went to the psych building. I assumed Topher would be there, so even though I wasn't sure if the interior lights would turn off, we left the car. I was so excited to see him that I didn't think it would matter. So once we got to the psych building, two of the girls from Bible study were there waiting with another envelope marked Roadblock One, which is when I figured out that I was on the Amazing Race. There was this rather cryptic clue having something to do with Hansel and Gretel and a donut tree. “Once upon a time there was a princess called Donut (what he calls me),…Hansel & Gretel once at a gingerbread house and followed some moonstones to get back home.. But Princess Donut needs to take a leap (or perhaps several leaps) of faith and take 2 bites out of the magic donut tree in order to receive her next steps home…” I didn't quite get it, so they told me to look closer, and I realized that the tree next to us had donuts hanging from strings. My task was to jump and eat them without my hands.

So after successfully eating two donuts, I got a destination clue which sent me in search of the mermaids. We followed a jelly bean trail to find them at Showalter Fountain. When we got there two more girls from Bible study were waiting dressed like mermaids (one of whom looks just like Ariel). So I put on a shell bra, a net, and a crown. My roadblock involved singing a little mermaid song while frolicing around the fountain. It was lightly raining which was fitting.

Oh, and this whole time I am wearing torn jeans and a shirt I have literally had since high school. After that the next clue involved references to books (library) and a gazebo. “Take this clue and head toward a little shelter next to the building of books, It’s a place where many a future bride give blushing looks, Persevere and endure for this princess is a long way from home, Through her kingdom she will roam.” So we headed off (Ji always pretended like she wasn't quite sure where we were going). When we got there, two more girls were waiting to dress me like Belle and had a tea set. There I sang "I'm a little tea pot" with motions and percussion (provided by the girls).

The next clue was the one I had the hardest time with. It involved the poem about the cow jumping over the moon and the cat (Topher) running away with the spoon (Erin). So first I thought maybe the spoon was about the Big Dipper and I was supposed to go to the observatory. Then I realized that it meant Runcible Spoon (my favorite restaurant). When I got there, more girls were waiting with a roadblock and wooden animals that I needed to throw onto the roof of Runcible Spoon. The first one I threw hit the drain pipe and made a loud noise. We were scared that the owners would come out and see me dressed in the ridiculous outfit. The next one I threw fell off the roof into a decorative pool of water (poor dog drowned). Then I finally got them on the roof and kept one cow to remember.

“Now that you have left a piece of tonight on the roof of runcible forever, I want you to make another e(ri)ndeavor, This place has a roof shaped sort of like a pie, and it’s a place where diamonds sparkle in the sky.” When we all got to the observatory, there was the last girl from Bible study, with the clue, “Once upon a time there was a princess who could salsa, swing, and dance dance revolution with the best of them. But now this princess needs to bumbumdance (it’s the new bellydancing) for her prince… and spell this out with her bum bum so that her friends can read how she feels loud and clear. E-R-I-N L-O-V-E-S T-O-P-H-E-R. We laughed the whole Amazing Race, but these laughs were the loudest.

After I successfully spelled, I got a whole bag with my next clue. In the bag was my red fancy dress and one red shoe. Right there in the middle of the woods on campus, the girls surrounded me with umbrellas and I quickly changed into the dress as the bells were donging 11 o clock. This Cinderella didn’t have much time.

Ji informed me that the rest of the journey I would take alone. They all circled around me and prayed. It was so beautiful. Instead of wearing the one heeled shoe, I hiked up my dress and ran carrying it. I was in a hurry to get there. Problem was the construction created fences so I got a little lost. Once the chapel was in view, I saw the train of girls walking towards their cars and had to explain that I got lost. Once I got to Beck Chapel, I was out of breath and so excited. When I opened the door, there he was. There were rose petals everywhere and lit candles leading all the up the aisle to the alter. Our song, “Feels like Home” was playing. He had the other shoe. I rushed into his arms and we stood silent for a long time. Then he placed the other shoe on my foot and led me to the alter.

At the alter he had placed a chair and a bowl. He washed my feet. It was amazing, much more amazing than the amazing race. After he washed my feet, while still on his knees, he proposed, and I said yes. Actually, I’m not sure how I said yes, but I know I said yes.

We didn’t have much time because he had rented the chapel until 11:30, so we rushed off. I wanted to start calling people, but Ji had my phone with her. So we hurried home, and when we got there, my parents, his parents, and all the girls were waiting. It was so wonderful. We toasted with French sodas. I showed them all the pictures and of course the absolutely amazing ring. When everyone left, Ji, Topher, and I jumped up and down and yelled for at least five minutes. Then we made wedding tea that I had brought back from Paris three years ago and saved for this event. I’m not sure that I slept at all last night. I am so thankful for the amazing gift of the amazing race!

Emotional Stew

I can't help but feel like all things in life are converging. I spend all day writing about women's emotions from a social science perspective, am leading a Bible study on how emotion and reason intersect, and am experiencing nearly every emotion in strong doses this semester. God has planned this for me.

For the Bible study there are two big verses that overshadow all the emotions, the one in Proverbs about guarding your heart because it is the well-spring of life, and Phillipians 4:7, "And the peace of God, that transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." We can't do this emotional regulation thing on our own. We need other people and we need God.

I'm nowhere near the end of this journey of looking at these things, but so far there are a few things I'm thinking are important, but need comments. So far in Bible study, we've looked at anger and jealousy. One of the common themes here is that there is a distinction between anger and Godly anger, jealousy and Godly jealousy. One of the things that requires so much discernment is figuring out which is which in our lives. So this becomes one of the main thoughtful questions that should come after an emotion. The tendency is to assume that if I don't feel good something must be wrong. Sometimes it is good to feel bad because it helps us grow or moves us towards godly action. It requires thought to know when that is true. It requires thinking about how God would respond to a situation. God didn't always respond with a placid peaceful acceptance of everything.

So far on anger, we looked at the golden calf story, both at God's response, and Moses's response. As a group, we defined anger as the feeling you get when don't get something you feel you "deserved." Since we are undeserving of anything, this should help reduce selfish destructive anger. God deserved the Israelites allegiance. So his anger is justified. Moses is less angry than God, but still angry. Since we don't deserve anything, but God does, the times that God doesn't get what He deserved we should be angry.

Jealousy is close to anger, but a little bit different. Jealousy involves another person because it requires some type of comparison. We looked at Rachel and Leah's competition for children, and well as the Jews' jealousy towards Paul in Acts 17. With jealousy, someone else gets what you "deserved." So similarly God deserved the Israelites allegiance and was jealous of the other gods. So we have to be careful how we compare ourselves to others, recognize that we are on the same team with other Christians, and trust that God will meet all of our needs.

Instead of getting sick eating all the emotional stew, I want to choose my food carefully, to guard my heart.

Decision Making  - A Matter of Fruit?

In the past month, I have been trying to figure out where to go next and how to decide where to go. The analogy that I've tried to use in making this decision is the passage about being a tree that bears fruit. We are commanded to bear fruit, but the bearing of fruit is not something we have direct control over. Its the remaining in the vine that leads to fruit. Does this depend on location? It is hard as a Christian to say that fruit-bearing depends on location, but it is hard as a social psychologist to say that fruit-bearing doesn't depend on location. So where is the truth? 

I don't have an answer to that, except that we need to trust God in our circumstances and apart from Him we can do nothing to bear fruit. So it happens within circumstances. What about my specific circumstances? I experienced fruit both of the places I interviewed. Before I left for my first interview, Ji prayed that I would reap a harvest of my labor as a student. Her prayers were answered as even in my brief teaching times, students responded with interest. I had a student yell out, "great lecture" when I was walking out of the dining hall. I was cited by a student in a later class. I had one student come and tell me he hoped I would come. One of the hardest things about saying no to one of the schools was a comment from an adminstrator saying he was sorry I wasn't coming because he knew I would have had a positive impact on their students. It is such a blessing as I near the end of this journey in grad school to know that I will bear fruit wherever I go next.

How do I make this decision? Since I believed my tree would bear fruit no matter what, I chose the soil after much prayer. Now after having made the decision, I'm experiencing a lot of outcome bias, such that I don't know why the decision was so hard because now it seems I made the obvious choice. If I asked any of my friends, they would have been able to answer these questions simply - Presbyterian or Non-Denomenational? Moutains or Ocean? Small town near a big city or a moderate city that is isolated? Plaid or polished? Accent or no accent? Skiing or swimming?

Anyway, the decision has been made, and I am happy happy happy about where God is taking me next.

Sovereignty

         Christians the world over believe that God is sovereign, but probably have different ideas about what that actually means. I've been applying to a variety of schools trying to find a job or at least get an interview somewhere. So I got a call back from a Reformed Christian college asking me to revise my Christian faith statement. We had a long conversation and I had originally decided to write a new statement addressing the issues that are important to the Reformed tradition: sovereignty, the fall of man, redemption, and calling. So I stayed up really late writing this statement that ended up as a string of Bible quotes because I wanted to make sure I could defend all of my words. I got increasingly frustrated that my original statement was not good enough. One of the issues with my original statement was the use of the "inerrant" to describe the Bible, when they prefer the word "inspired." The more I thought about this, the stranger it seemed that this is the view they take. For those who take the high view that God chooses us without our choice, I would have assumed that they believe that God is sovereign in His protection of His Word. Then I realized that the thread that ties the predestination view and the "inspired" view together is a more logical/intellectual approach. It is logically inconsistent to believe that God has foreknowledge without having determined it. It is also logically inconsistent to believe that different translations are equally accurate. Where does faith intersect logic? How is it that God is really sovereign?

       Today at church, I was overwhelmed with not understanding God's grace. We were studying Romans 12 at Bible study and discussing how amazing it is that God lets the wild olive branch be grafted into the cultivated tree. I ended up emailing the chair of the department back to say that I would prefer to have my application be considered with the original statement.

Anger: The Groupy Cure

        My dissertation research has started to show and hopefully will continue to show that getting angry can be good for groups. When groups get angry together, they tend to feel close to each other and more satisfied with the individual lives. I was thinking about how weird it would be if I started off a new year of small group, with new people, and had them just start by going off on what makes them mad. If we could all agree on what makes us mad, we could be a better support group to each other. Ah, if it were just that simple. Without having done any actual research on this part, most of us can assume that getting mad at just anything wouldn't be good. If we all  decided to get mad at God for everything, this wouldn't be a very God-honoring small group. So what should we be angry about? The easy answer is that we should be angry at the same things that make God angry. I entered anger and angry into gospelcom.net, and found out that most of the time, it is used to describe God's anger, thus making anger a holy response to some situations. What is great about anger is that it leads to action. Its the most action-heavy emotion we have. God is an interactive God and His anger leads to action: the flood, the wipe out of Sodom and Gomorrah, etc. Too often my response to injustice is, "wow, that is sad." I can't live my life in a constant state of anger and action, I have too many other responsibilities, right? For instance, I got really angry last week about the way Mormon women are being treated in the crazy polygamous cult in Utah. (on a side note, it's easy for these groups to get angry cause they have the obvious outgroup: main stream culture that thinks polygamy is nuts). I'm still not sure what I should be doing with my anger. I don't think I can stage a coup of Mormon leadership that leads to the emancipation of  these women, but maybe I can find something smaller. I need God to guide me. That is the cool promise of Romans that we are "more than conquerors" and that the "Spirit intercedes for us on our behalf." We as Christians need to get angry about injustice cause it will help us tune our hearts to God's and as a side effect will bind us to one another.